Book Club Questions for The Box Must Be Empty

  1. Marilyn begins her story by recounting how her buried grief erupted as she watched Titanic. Can you relate to old grief ‘waking up’ after years of denial? What kinds of triggers have stirred old griefs and memories for you?
  1. Why do you think Jack’s death was so unresolved for Marilyn? What could she have done differently, if she could have a re-do?
  1. On page 6, chapter one, Marilyn lists several hidden losses associated with adoption. Did any of these surprise you. or make you think differently about the adoption experience?
  1. Moving frequently and often unexpectedly was a big part of Marilyn’s life in the ministry. Does moving and starting over in new places appeal to you? What are the pros and cons of a frequently uprooted life? 
  1. Broken promises are also a frequent theme in Marilyn’s story. Which broken promises stood out for you? Do you think Marilyn was a bit like Charlie Brown, foolishly hoping Lucy would hold the football in place? What do broken promises do to our hearts?
  1. Adopting a toddler, rather than a newborn, brings extra challenges to Marilyn’s parenting. Have you or any of your friends adopted older children? How does missing those early months or years affect both parent and child?
  1. Marilyn writes about one of her favorite scriptures: “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places” (from Psalm 16). Do you ever think about what your life has, and hasn’t, included? Do you think it’s normal to ponder the “what ifs” as we grow older?
  1. Marilyn’s journey with Theo as therapist is a big part of her story. What were the red flags you noticed? What details surprised you? 
  1. To commence therapy, Marilyn moves to Philadelphia, uprooting several other families and individuals in the process. What kind of pressure did this present? How well do you think she coped with it? 
  1. Marilyn shares two love stories: Jack and Henry. How did they differ? Were you worried about Henry as her grief intensified?
  1. At the library, Marilyn learns about complicated and disenfranchised grief. What factors make grief ‘complicated’? Can you relate to this?
  1. Disenfranchised grief is still rarely discussed. Can you think of examples in your own life (or others) that might fit this category of grief? Why do we often limit grief experiences to those involving a death, and not other kinds of loss?
  1. To truly find healing, Marilyn takes matters into her own hands. What steps helped or resonated with you? What was the difference between years of anguished journaling, and going through the steps in the Grief Recovery Method?
  1. Being part of a church that is overly controlling but also a source of great joy and belonging is another major theme. What did you think of Marilyn’s mixed emotions? Does reading about her experience help you understand how people get entangled in groups like this and struggle to view the organization as either all good or all bad?
  1. Marilyn says she wrote this memoir to find others with greatly delayed grief. Are you one of those people? Did reading her story make you re-evaluate some of your own losses?
  1. Starting over in midlife is another big part of her story. What helped or hindered as she embarked on a new career? Have you ever started over?
  1. In Chapter 23, Marilyn shares her writing journey. How does developing our gifts and exploring our creativity contribute to healing? Do you have secret dreams to pursue?
  1. Marilyn promises a “happy ending” in her prologue. Was the outcome what you expected?
  1. Not every reader will share Marilyn’s faith and her view of God and Scripture. Was this a barrier for you, or of special interest? 
  1. What parts of Marilyn’s story were most intriguing or relevant to you? Why?